Roles

I have been a daughter all of my life and friend for as long as I can remember.  Then there's the role of student, which I loved.  I loved school and loved my teachers, inspiring me to venture into the profession myself.  A little later the role of hot chick comes into play as boys fall head over heels in love...hahaha, yeah right!  Just wanted to make sure you were paying attention. Back to being serious...it was girlfriend.  I became the girlfriend of a few boys that were great and one or two that were not the best choices, but, nevertheless I learned. After meeting and falling in love with the best boy ever, I became a fiance.  This was different, a strong commitment that would change my life and my last name. :)  This role was filled with anticipation of our big day and what the future held for me and my soon-to-be hubby. Fun! The obvious transition here is wife.  Blessed by an incredible husband, this was one I eased right into.  The honeymoon was incredible and the day that I kissed Jonathan good-night rather than good-bye (Gilbert Grape anyone?...Lace?) was glorious!  The last four months have given me a new role, mommy.  I am honored and thankful to have this one.  Some roles you choose, others are chosen for you, and some are simply desired and never acquired.  For some, the latter describes being a mommy.  I am truly blessed to have a son, a gift.  This role, perhaps the one I cherish the most, has also been the most difficult.  I don't mean the labor or the middle of the night feedings, I mean the change.  I have slipped in and out of roles without thinking twice, but this one is different.  It has transformed me...into a different person of sorts.  I am not a worrier by nature, but now I worry about Camden daily.  Not a negative worry, a mommy worry.  I consider myself to be a confident person, but now I second guess (perhaps over analyze would be more accurate) decisions I/we make about Camden (this ranges from letting him "cry it out" to immunizations).  I talk about things like poop and rashes.  I notice a girl's diaper bag before her shoes--now that is serious! My entire being has been consumed by this one role.  It's like the mommy role is somewhat of a bully and causes all the others to run away.  I have not forgotten them, but have lost sight of them at times. There are moments when I don't want the others because it is exhausting.  My thoughts are incomplete.  I have been internalizing this for a while, yet it is unfinished.  I hesitated "blogging" about it, not wanting to sound negative about mommyhood.  Please understand I love it and would not trade it for the world.  I am just trying to sink into it and figure out where I fit. 

Extra reassurance for the extra concerned...I have no regrets about where I am.  I am simply trying to be true to myself by acknowledging and expressing my thoughts/feelings.  I love my life and those in it.  I am blessed beyond measure.